The saddest goodbye

I never thought there would come a day when I actually have to have a conversation with a friend about ending our friendship. Most friendships that do not work go on to die a natural death, slowly and obliquely. But this friendship, although it has been rocky for years now, have still managed to cling on to a sliver of hope that things could come back to the way it was. Sadly, that was not the case, and instead of hanging on and working so hard at what used to come naturally, it is time end that chapter of my life.


Ending this friendship is far more devastating than any other breakup I have gone through because this carries YEARS of milestones. We were part of each others' lives and shared in the inevitable highs and lows. We went through a lot of 'firsts' together and it has been a great journey. 


That is life, so they say. People come into your life and people go. I take comfort in knowing that she has a very special place in my life, one that is unlikely to be ever replaced by anyone. Not in this lifetime, because our friendship was one in a million. 

Simple joys

Some of my favorites:

1. Getting up when my body tells me it's time to wake up and not being 'told' to wake up by the alarm. 
2. Having my face or hand licked by my dog.
3. Sitting home on a Friday night with a good movie and some snacks.
4. Finishing an enthralling book.
5. Marking a brilliant essay.
6. Coffee with some of my best mates.
7. Listening to jazz whilst it is raining or when the weather is cool and grey.
8. The smell of my favorite food cooking.
9. A really good cardio workout.
10. A cuddle from someone I care about. 

A dogmatic approach to education

I have a real problem with people who value decorum and appropriateness over true bonds and interaction. This comes from the old school thinking that education goes hand in hand with building character and instilling moral values. It also comes from power and control. A repressive environment is never conducive to education, especially not in modern times. Especially when we are preaching inclusiveness, inquiry and independent learning. By dictating rules and regulations to students, we are setting them down one single path, one that is riddled with structure and prohibitions. 


I understand that students need boundaries, but I draw the line at making them obey seemingly petty rules and procedures. It shows that we are inflexible and unaccommodating, two traits I absolutely detest in others and a sure deal breaker if I were to meet anyone; male or female. If you are an uptight, controlling, anal retentive piece of shit, don't bother talking to me. 


If you think that education is best delivered with a heavy hand, one that demands, not earns students respect, impose ridiculous boundaries and believes that true education should not be considered 'fun' from a students' point of view; you have no business being part of a child's educational experience. Piss off to the nearest prison and apply to be the warden or something. 

When life starts to feel like an obligation.

I'm starting to feel like living my life is a chore, one that has to be endured and not enjoyed. That can't be good. It takes a step back to reflect on the bigger picture to realise that there is soemthing more to this life than just living out the responsibilities and should do's that life dictates to us and expects of us.

I always seem to come back to this theme. It got me thinking that this recurring thought must be triggered from my unconscious side to break free of the life obligations that may or may not have been thrust upon me. I don't believe I have overbearing parents who have unrealistic expectations of me. The pressures that I feel are self inflicted and stems from environment, peer pressure and my own silly neurosis.

Perhaps Sylvia Plath is to blame for my current self gloom. I have never looked at life in the negative perspective before and now, I'm trying it on for the first time. Strangely enough (and it scares me too) I'm enjoying this self loathe and misery. It's like revisiting the angst y person I left behind years ago. However, this is a darker, more broody side. One that, if not controlled, could consume me.

Choices

The best thing about living in the 21st century would be the fact that we have so many choices in our daily life. Options allow for alternatives and variety which is always a good thing I reckon. However, the downside of having a choice is actually making a decision. No matter how you good I feel about a decision, there is always a niggling doubt at the back of mind questioning what might have been. 


They say life is about choices and those choices range from deciding what to have for dinner or which home to buy. Every decision impacts your life in some way and we are always conscious of trying to make the right decision. What really bugs me though is that how do we know that the decision we have chosen is the 'right' one. Of course there are many instances where one could, with the benefit of hindsight realise that a certain decision might not have been the way to go. Most of the time though, we go through life choosing certain items, places, people and sometimes you wonder, if things might have been different with the other option. 


Well, I suppose it says a lot about a decision or choice if you are questioning it. Problem is, some decisions only turn out to be wrong after it has been chosen. It may have won the practicality debate, but fell short when it came to 'feeling' right. 

What it feels like to be free

I realise now what people have been telling me all along. The best thing about childhood and youth is the license to be carefree and bold. The courage to venture into the unknown; completely oblivious to reason and judgement. I used to think that being a teen was the pits. What sort of freedom can you expect when you're inundated with school, homework, tuition and the lot? I truly felt my high school education was a painful rite of passage. One that I had to grit my teeth and pull through in order to get to the other side - The start of the rest of my life. When I finished my final SPM paper, (I believe it was Economics); it was like gaining consciousness after a coma. A 17 year coma.

The exhilaration I felt when I contemplated all that lay before me is incomparable to any other feeling I've had since. It was effervescent like and let me in a state of giddy pleasure and thrill. My life truly began after high school.

The four months spent waiting for my results were nothing short of blissful. I had no cares or worries in the world. My days began at 10 am when I awoke and everything was open to me. I could have gone to the beach, or read a book, or go hiking or hit the mall or catch a movie or have breakfast and then crawl back to bed. My parents never got on my case to start researching college courses or get a job. They knew that it was important for me to relax and enjoy after months of exam stress and worry.They let me be. And that, is what it feels like to be free.

Is marriage a dying institution?

On the way to work one morning I was listening to the radio. For some reason or other, I was listening to Lite FM. The station of choice for the mature generation. Perhaps I was in the mood for some matured entertainment or perhaps I was feeling my age that morning. For your information, the stations have adjusted the demographics of their target audience. Hitz fm is now targeted at the 10-18 age group, Mix fm to the 19-25 age group and Lite fm for the 26+ age group. I fall in the latter category and therefore have voluntarily admitted myself as a ‘matured’ person. Anyway, the announcers were asking their question of the day and it was

“Is marriage a dying institution?”

My answer to that question is no. It is not a dying institution but it has definitely changed and evolved. The idea of marriage 50 years ago and today is very different. In todays modern world, people enter marriage because they have found a person with whom they can stomach the rest of their lives with. Decades ago, people, especially women entered into marriage for security and stability reasons. As a result, they put up with a lot more than most modern women would. Infidelity, ignorance, abuse – be it physical, verbal or emotional, abandonment, the list goes on. The modern woman, one who’s financially capable to support herself do not need to be tied down to a marriage to a man if these issues were to occur. She has the emancipation women 50 years ago could only dream of having.

Having said that, people ARE rushing into marriage BECAUSE it is so easy to get out of it. Divorce no longer carries the same stigma in our society as it used to. More and more young people are signing divorce papers before they hit 30 years of age. It is due in part, the pressure of society for young people to settle down and the romance most women place in the idea of weddings. Young women tend to get carried away with the minute details of an elaborate wedding and once it is over, the reality of marriage sinks in. Because divorce is so easy to obtain these days, young people don’t give a single lingering thought of leaping into a binding marriage contract and two seconds later renouncing that very same binding contract. 

Give me more lazy Saturday mornings please.

The art of spending solo quality time is underrated. In this harried world that we live in, little or no attention is devoted to time out and reflection. It is indeed a lost art, one I am trying to revive in my weekends. People tend to feel guilty when they spend a few hours just indulging in a good book, listening to music or just spacing out in front of the TV. True, there are no great epiphanies to be had when one is not actively stimulated or engaged, but I think these 'sleep' modes are beneficial to a productive mind. 


When I spend time alone on my own, I get comfortable with my own company. I am able to think more deeply about issues that are bothering me and when I do get a soundwall mad enough to listen to me rant, I am far more articulate and able to disseminate precisely what is bothering me. 


Lazy Saturday mornings are perfect for getting up late, having brunch-either something light at home or an indulgent often greasy ones outdoors. It is perfect for catching up on your reading and listening to Louis Armstrong. 


After all, when you are single and free of any other obligations, Saturdays are yours to savor. The one day where you are allowed to submit to your every whim. It is your time to be selfish and do what you want to do. 

I'm not a superwoman

Everybody gets their tough breaks at work and teachers are no exception. I've heard many teachers lament this on more than one occasion. I just want to TEACH! Don't saddle me with reports, projects, marketing material, notice boards, display items and whatnot. This has NOTHING to do with teaching. Don't get mad when it's not up to a particular standard.

I would gladly take on more classes, more contact hours, if it meant the end of co-curricular activities, panel meetings, homework checklists, invigilation duties, taking attendance, tallying results, working on notice board displays, disciplining kids. The list goes on.

It's tough being a teacher these days and no matter how satisfying the job can be at the end of the day, when you are at the whims and fancies of someone who has other ideas on how teaching ought to be done, you will never be really working for yourself.

Growth

I have random anxiety attacks that seize me when I'm least expecting it. Sometimes the fear of growing old grips me and I'm petrified. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to get up tomorrow and discover that I am afflicted with life changing disease. I've had several nightmares now of my parents dying, most notably my mum. I've woken up in tears, convinced that she was really gone.


As a little girl, I used to think about my future and when I thought about being a 20 something year old, I felt that I would be settled and self assured. I would have my life sorted and basically functioning as an 'adult' It still takes a while for it to sink in that I'm no longer allowed to be carefree and irresponsible. I don't envy my students because I know how crap being a teen can be. But I do miss the breezy, devil-may-care attitude that comes naturally with bullet proof youth.


As a child, I've run away from home a couple of times - always to my best friends' home 4 doors down. Wasn't very imaginative but so there. Once, I had my bag packed and was walking to the bus stop when I had to turn back when I realised I didn't have enough money for the bus fare. Obviously my planning skills needed some work. As I grew older, I have come to realise that I was always planning an escape hatch. Always anticipating how I was going to leave whenever I came to a new place, or found myself in a new situation. Perhaps subconsciously, I've also had pre-conceived exit plans whenever I was in a relationship.
Some definitely felt like it was over even before it started.


 It is clear that if I lived in an earlier civilization, at the first sign of conflict, I would have taken flight and not fight. Running away just seemed so much easier, even if it didn't solve anything in the long run. This, of course is not doing me any favors and earned me the reputation of being 'flighty' With age and wisdom, I am focusing on sharpening my reflexes so that I can defend myself when life throws me a curve ball.

The life carousel

Sometimes, I think life is one big carousel. We go in circles and never really get anywhere. What is the point in anything anyway? I've never been a subscriber of pessimist views, but I've been reading the views of Nietzche and sadly he has a point (or rather lack of) He claims that life is meaningless and that God is dead. We are doomed to repeat a cycle over and over again and that humans cannot really progress from their current state. The way things are, are just the way it is supposed to be. A status quo.


There could be nothing worse than living in status quo to me. The very idea that any current misery that may be plaguing me will never end; it's nothing short of hell.


I've always believed that I may not be in control of the situation I am in, but I can control how I feel about it. That casts everything into a different light. So as I ride this endless merry-go-round that spins and turns with highs and lows, I'm determined to enjoy the ride.

You don't know me anymore

Memories that linger in the corners of my mind
Bittersweet memories that refuse to fade
In my moments of darkness, I remember the times and 
I am glad, it lifts me up because I am no longer in that place


The sound of my own heart breaking
Pierces the air and shatters the night
It's all black and unmoving
Time has stopped and for that moment, I was dead. 


You said you were sorry
You said forgive me
You said I am begging for another chance
You said you still love me


Our love was like a season 
A season past its time
That magical season that will never return
Because of you


My heart is not bitter
It will not shrivel up because of what you did
You do not have the power to do or take away anything from me
Because my wounded heart is mine and mine alone
Like a phoenix, it will rise from the shattered pieces
And triumph over your lowly deed and cold, cold heart

My first love

I’m just going to say it. Patrick Swayze was my very first love. Ok, first celebrity crush. Talk about falling for an older man.  When Dirty Dancing premiered, I was a mere five year old. What do I know about boys and crushes?  The defining moment was when I turned nine. Ghost premiered in the State cinema – those who grew up in Petaling  Jaya in the 90’s will know that it was THE cinema in town.  To an impressionable nine year old child, going to the movies was like stepping into another world. A world of wonder and intrigue where the characters are larger than life and indeed life seemed larger than life.

The memory is vividly etched in my mind. It was a rainy Saturday evening and my father was driving to the State cinema. My mother and my older female cousin were in the car with us. They were trying to persuade my dad to watch the movie to which my dad vehemently refused, saying it was a chick flick. (Well he didn’t use those words specifically, but it was something to that effect.)

I was excited. The movie received a lot of hype, as a wonderfully romantic love story. There were even rumours of mild nudity scenes included in the movie!  Needles to say, I was thrilled to be watching Ghost. It made me feel like a grown up.  Before disembarking from the car, my dad handed us a box of tissues.

“Here, you are going to need this”

Stepping into the cinema armed with popcorn and Coke, I settled happily into my seat and watched eagerly as the scenes unfolded before me.  It didn’t take long for me to notice the handsome leading man.  His name was Sam. I watched in dismay as he was killed early in the movie but was revived in the following scenes as a ghost.  The pottery scene mesmerised me. It was delicate, intimate,  bittersweet and accompanied by a song that will forever stick in my mind as the most romantic love song ever.  It was then that I felt the first flutter of a crush. It was an awakening of a more adult nature that paralysed me with delirium.

It was at that point where my mum and my cousin reached for their tissues.  I guess I was too young then to comprehend that he wasn’t physically there with the woman he loves. To my undeveloped senses, it was a just a beautiful love scene.  Yet, not wanting to be left out, I cried too, without really knowing why.

Years later, whenever I re watch the movie, it never fails to trigger my tears.  This time, the tears are accompanied with a tug at my heartstrings.  I felt for Molly - the wrenching feeling of abandonment and loneliness.  The saying “The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right there with them and knowing that you can never be with them” never rang truer in this case.

Stepping out of the cinema, I noticed there wasn’t a single dry eye leaving the building. My cousin was still dabbing her eyes and my mum’s eyes were red and sore.  My dad was waiting for us at the kerb with a smirk on his face when he saw our tear stained ones.  From then on, I lapsed into a pre-teen moody phase. I wore black clothing and claimed to want to see ghosts, so that I could see Sam. 

I did see ‘Sam’ again. A couple of years later – only this time he wasn’t Sam, but Johnny Castle.  A smooth talking heartbreaker who could move with the combination of grace and sensuality on the dance floor.   It was as though he moved on to match my adolescent growth.  From a sweet sensitive man, to a sensuous lady’s man.  I realise that chronologically, this is incorrect as Dirty Dancing was an earlier film, but I am glad that I saw Sam before Johnny. It was like seeing him come back to life, with a fun personality and scorching hot physique to match.

Dirty Dancing was a whole different experience.  How he probed Baby to be more confident through the dancing lessons.  The exploration of their love and her sexual awakening.  How Baby encouraged Johnny to break out from his stereotype. The feeling of weightlessness as Johnny lifts Baby up in the air in their triumphant dance.  I wanted to be Baby so badly.

A couple of years ago, while walking the streets of West End trying to decide which play to see, I saw a poster in Piccadilly theatre for Guys and Dolls featuring none other than Patrick Swayze! The decision made, I marched straight in to get a ticket. That night, I walked into the auditorium with butterflies in my stomach. I was finally going to see Sam/Johnny! As the curtain came up, an announcement was made over the PA stating that an understudy will be playing Patrick Swayze’s role of Nathan Detroit as Mr. Swayze was ill. I was crushed that my crush will not be appearing that night. I still managed to enjoy the show though.

Patrick Swayze has cemented his place in my heart and mind. To me, he portrays characters who display the best qualities of a man. His ability to portray them so convincingly on screen must mean that it comes naturally from within him. That makes him a beautiful man inside and out.  Ever since Ghost, Patrick Swayze has held a piece of my heart. With his passing, he takes that piece with him.

Rest well Patrick. xxx

In the mood for love

I wrote this a couple of months ago to submit to OM. Romantic comedies are my favorite movie genre. It may not be intellectually stimulating or have original plot lines, but I love it all the same. It's like a guilty indulgence. For two hours, you can get lost into a movie and really believe in such extraordinary love/life circumstances. The best  types are ones that have a twist. As a viewer, I don't really enjoy happy endings because they are utterly predictable. That is why movies like Prime and Bridges of Madison County are especially good. The bittersweet themes of love lost resonates with me. I must be pretty tragic to enjoy watching such heartbreaking movies. Ok, so they may not be romantic COMEDIES, but they are romance driven. 

It just occurred to me, Shallow Hal is probably the most brilliant of all romantic comedies, closely followed with Something's Gotta give, Love Actually and Bridget Jones Edge of Reason. 

• Shallow Hal- The movie was interesting because it really proves that love can be blind. How liberating would it be to not conform to society's views on what constitutes beauty? It got me thinking, that love is possible with anyone regardless of how they look. If only I had the same ability to have 24/7 beer goggles on. 
• Something's gotta give - Well, my views on this very brilliant movie is below. :) 
• Love Actually - Another brilliant film that showcases the various forms of romantic love. I think the message that Love is all around is very powerful and serves as a reminder that modern life takes so much from us daily that we are unable to appreciate or indulge in the love that surrounds us everyday.
• Bridget Jones - Confession: I am able to relate to Bridget. Our lives are scarily parallel in so many ways.  

Top 10 romance movies in Geraldine’s humble opinion.

10.  Casablanca – Apart from spawning cult one liners, it was one of the original love stories that ended in heartbreak as an individual proves his love for a woman by letting her go. This ultimate self sacrifice has shaped my notion about how love is sometimes selfless.

9. A Walk to Remember – Pays homage to the Love Story theme where young lovers are rendered with the impossible situation of losing one another to a fatal illness. Their conviction in their love inspires me to look beyond the mundane petty things that may sometimes cloud a relationship.

8. The Way We Were – A story about how opposites attract. Despite the odds, Katie (Barbara Streisand) and Hubbell (Robert Redford) fall in love and embark on a tumultuous relationship. Ultimately, what attracted them to one another was the reason behind the crumble of their relationship. However, it speaks volumes about how certain issues could be overlooked and how love can sometimes transcend even the most convicted card carrying Marxist!

7.  Only You – This movie is saccharine sweet and has universal appeal. It is also very 90’s Hollywood driven blockbuster. Nonetheless, the setting is beautiful (Venice and Positano)The protagonist Faith has faith in fate. She believes in soul mates and is convinced that she was meant to be with one Damon Bradley. The movie chronicles her misadventures as she chases the mysterious Damon Bradley around Italy and along the way meets a man named Peter Wright. I believe the writer was using puns with the names of the characters. Faith who believes in fate and destiny wholeheartedly and Peter Wright who had the wrong name initially, but ended up being Mr. Right 

6. Bridges of Madison County – The irreplaceable Meryl Streep stars in this movie that has opened my eyes to the possibility that some love affairs, no matter how brief can last a lifetime in a person’s memory and heart. A story of sacrifice and forbidden love, it paints a very real picture of unhappy couples in dysfunctional relationships everywhere who engage in secret love affairs but as a sense of duty, choose to end the affair for the sake of the family unit.

5. You’ve Got Mail – You just can’t go wrong with this combination. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. What’s not to love? Sleepless in Seattle was another good movie but this one has trumps Sleepless for various reasons. It does not start off as a romantic movie. Both individuals are strong, career minded people and they enjoy witty banter. I suppose this movie struck a chord in me as I ADORE witty banter. Although the ending is thoroughly predictable, it is the journey that enthrals me. The exchange of ideas and opinions on culture and books. The snide comments made to one another. It’s a great romantic comedy that merits a view (or twenty and counting)

4. Something’s Gotta Give - This is a real gem of 21^st century romantic comedy. It comments on very real issues that stem from centuries old stereotypes and presents them in a modern context. It has enough twists to make it interesting to watch with a healthy dose of culture to inspire me to live the finer life. There are hilarious role reversals and honest commentary on modern relationships that cling to some traditional stereotypes.  The paradoxes in the movie are enough to get me in stitches, every time I watch it. 

3. The Notebook - A story of undying loyalty and devotion. Noah and Ally were truly made for one another and have weathered the predictable storms early in their relationship to find and make something last. He from a working class background; and she a Southern debutante. What makes this movie exceptional from the usual star crossed lovers of contrasting backgrounds is the enduring love they have for one another. Their love prevailed objection from her family, wartime, her imminent engagement, their differing temperaments and many more.

2. Pretty Woman – The ultimate grown-up Cinderella tale. Despite the gritty secondary themes; prostitution, drugs and Sunset Strip, this movie still managed to emerge a shining example of a modern love story where people are able to change one another for the better regardless of their background. The movie confronted the hardships both characters had to endure but portrayed them in a believable yet comical way.  The chemistry between Richard Gere and Julia Roberts was ultimately the clincher for this movie that made it one of the most memorable romantic movies in my book.

1.  French Kiss – This might not be anybody’s idea of a romantic story. For one, the protagonist, Meg Ryan spends the better part of the movie chasing her fiancé in Paris trying to convince him to return to her after he dumped her for a French woman while on a business trip to Paris. She meets Luc who has his own agenda in befriending her and the both of them embark on a hilarious goose chase around France tracking down the elusive and philandering Charlie.            What makes this movie my top choice is purely setting and plotline.  It was a beautifully shot film, incorporating many themes near that are near and dear to my heart. As for plotline, it inspires me to think about love in another angle, and not be consumed with the idea that there is one ‘perfect’ one for me out there, This movie has taught me that even the best laid plans can fall apart and the only way to live is joie the vivre!

Other honourable mentions:

Love Story

Notting Hill

The Bodyguard

Titanic –Lame, I know but still manages to tug at the heartstrings

When Harry met Sally

The English Patient

Persuasion

Serendipity

Ghost

Gone with the wind

A very long engagement

Love Actually 

Words of wisdom from Simone de Beauvoir

"Since I was 21, I have never been lonely. The opportunities granted to me at the beginning helped me not only to lead a happy life but to be happy in the life I led. I have been aware of my shortcomings and my limits, but I have made the best of them. When I was tormented by what was happening in the world, it was the world I wanted to change, not my place in it."

This particular quote rings true with me when I was turning 20 and absolutely freaking out because I was no longer a teenager and thus leaving a safety zone. The future seemed vague and scary, a grey mist of which I fumbled in for a very long time. I sank into a state of mild depression that was not easily detected by my loved ones. For a whole year it seemed,  there was lots of soul searching and plenty of reflection. I was in an industry that was demanding and stressful. It robbed me of spirit, soul and youthfulness. At 20, I felt awfully young and inexperienced. It reflected in my appearance, my ideas and most embarrassingly of all, in my speech My vocabulary was painfully limited for a job that called for all kinds of twisting of words. When I decided to return to school and pursue a degree, things finally started falling into place. This occurred after my 21st birthday and it symbolically marked a new matured me. 

"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes, and this is one cause of the serious misunderstandings that divide them."

When I read this quote a couple of years ago, a light bulb suddenly ignited in my head. This was in essence the argument that I have been trying to explain to past boyfriends on the reason why "I love you" has different contexts for either of us. I don't mean to be difficult, but my idea of love does not and should not be completely identical to my partner. I think the variation creates layers of depth and possibilities to explore. When two people only have one thought or idea going on between them, I think it destroys any sense of intrigue and mystery. 

 "In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation."

This is often how I feel when someone spouts lyrical over the complexities of human relationships. Why are some people gay, bisexual etc. The fact of the matter is, sexual orientation is part of a person identity and yes, it shapes and dictates certain behaviors, thoughts and dress sense. The notion that a person is asexual, is often perceived to be an oddity. One who free floats above the norms of society. It perplexes me because I have been guilty of such judgement. Yet, there is wisdom in this theory. If human beings really are to be tolerant of one another, then they should strip away every (mis)conception of peoples' sexual orientation and view them as merely a fellow human being. I know, easier said than done.

My most lasting memory

There are many to choose from because I do have fond memories of different occasions in my life. However, if I had to write about my absolute favorite memory, it would definitely have to be my Down South trip with four of my best girlfriends in Perth. 


It was winter and we had four weeks off. Instead of running back to KL as I normally do during the summer breaks, I thought I'd spend my holidays here in WA and see the countryside. On the spur of the moment, my friends decided that they needed to show me the vineyards of WA. We were to travel down to the tip (Augusta) and back up again. It would be a week of savoring the local food and wine. 


We piled into Lisa's car. Packed to the brim with bags, sleeping bags, pillows and snacks for the trip. Thankfully, I called shotgun before anyone else and had a pretty comfortable ride throughout the journey. First stop, Mandurah to visit Tara's family and stay the night. They had a really lovely modern home in the hicks. I was surprised to see such a trendy home right in the middle of the country. We had a barbecue that night and despite the temperature, (2 degrees C) we could not resist jumping into the pool. 


The next day we set off on our journey again. We had no real itinerary, just stopping anywhere that struck our fancy. I saw an adorable little cottage serving scones and tea and insisted we stop. To this day, I can still taste the thick Devonshire cream and the strawberry tea and the soft, crumbly texture of the scones. Without a doubt the best scones I've ever tasted. Even better than the ones I had in London. But to be fair, this was in the country. Had I ventured past London into the English countryside, I would probably have found some good ones too. 


We then proceeded to Yallingup. It was here that the picture above was taken. It was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've ever been in. The beach homes were truly magnificent, It was then that I vowed to one day own of those and spend summers there (or even live in it year round) It was there that we had lunch in this pub and the atmosphere was so laid back and casual. The pace of life slowed considerably and there was a general feeling of hang-looseness in the air. It was perfect.


On to Augusta, where Belle's grandad was staying. He had a house overlooking the coast and it was the southern most tip of WA. The next land area would be the South Pole! It was incredibly windy and cold, but we still managed to have a lot of fun. Belle's grandad had a selection of great board games, perfect for staying in. We played Trivial Pursuit ans Yahtzee. The next night however, we decided to hit the town for some fun (as it was Saturday night) of course there was none to be found except in a dodgy little tavern serving the older folks. Eek. 


It was time to head back, we stopped at another great coastal town Witchcliffe. It was known for the best fish and chips in the region. We bought a huge pack and drove to the beach where we had to fight off sea gulls while enjoying our lunch. It was well worth it though. Sitting on the sand, cold salty breeze, the best fish and chips -eaten Malaysian style - with fingers and bottles of ice cold beer. It doesn't get any better than this..

To be with a man or a woman?

The wandering mind can sometimes come up with the most absurd scenarios that question my values and beliefs. It makes a mockery of my own conscience and exposes my lack of self conviction and reveals the depth of my philosophical views - which is embarrassingly shallow. 


So where has wandering mind ventured off to and what has it stumbled upon?


"If your partner wants to undergo a sex change operation and remain with you, how would you react and would you be agreeable to the idea?"


Even though I came up with the question, I found myself rather in a quandary about this. I'm not quite sure if I could be with a woman, even if she was a man previously. The illusion of gender is too strong. I have been socially conditioned to be with a man. I believe I am a product of my upbringing. I'm not disparaging biology or nature in any way, but what I am saying is that I'm a firm believer of nurture. The way we were brought up shapes our ideas and perceptions. It does not come internally from within. At least that is my point of view. 


Sometimes I think that I am capable of falling for a woman. It would have to be in another time and another place because I just do not have the energy to deal with the stigma that comes with being openly gay in this country. I always take the easy way out - luckily for me, I am not in the position where I had to question my own wants and needs in regards to romantic relationships. It's pretty straightforward at this point. I want sausage. ;)

My own bucket list

I am going to keep adding things to this list as I think of more that I would like to accomplish in this lifetime. 




1. See the sunset and sunrise while sitting on a peak. (any peak so long as it takes me at least 4-8 hours to get up and down it.)


2. Drive a race car.


3. Complete a triathlon. 


4. Belt out a Whitney number in a packed house.


5. Go on a safari.


6. Be a published author.


7. Fall madly in love.


8. Skinny dip in a hotel pool.


9. Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef - despite my great fear for fishes.


10. Take swing dancing classes.


11. Host a three course dinner party with gourmet dishes cooked entirely by moi. 


12. Sail the Caribbean islands for a month. 


13. Own a store.


14. Fly on a Concorde.  


15. Complete someone.


16. Host a fundraiser for an animal shelter.


17. Ski on the Swiss Alps. 

Living in the past

Something about listening to the Gold radio station that makes me wish I was born in a more happy carefree era. A time when the most advanced technological wonder was the black and white television. A time when women wore full skirts and large sunglasses. When soda bars were the popular hangouts and drive in movies were the bomb. I don't imagine Malaysia to be very exciting in the 50's. All this Pleasantville like images were gleaned from watching one too many American movies. 


My idea of an ideal life is not one set in the 50's. It is one set in the past, with a medley of influences from 20's style clothing and music to 50's style rock and roll to the optimism of the 60's and disco days of the 70's. As I was born in the 80's, I can say that I've lived a good part of my life in one of the very best decades. 


I suppose its the simplicity of life that appeals to me in those eras. With the advent of technology, I find that life is moving at such warped speed that nobody stops to appreciate life anymore. I wonder how it would be like to have lived in an era with no Internet and mobile phones. 


This is just my despondent response to a life that is flying past me and I am unable to make any head or tail of it. On the way home today, I saw an outdoor advertisement for an insurance company. "Live the extraordinary life." Yes, once upon a time, I too bought the idea that I could live an extraordinary life. But maybe that extraordinary life is not in the horizon for me. Maybe it belongs in the eras long gone. I sure would like to ride in Doc Brown's DeLorean DMC right now and transport me to a bygone era that I hope to feel truly at home in.

Morality and other topics on a Saturday morning

Over brunch on Saturday  morning, we were talking about a bunch of things, and one of them was about morality. Passing judgement on others seem to be everyones' favorite pastime. It seems that we are not happy unless we can assert a holier-than-thou attitude over someone else's appearance, choice of mate, opinions, possessions, the list goes on. When did it become ok to be judgmental over someones' else's life choices. If it doesn't impact you in any way, why should one bother to enforce one's own personal view over another? 


People say the mean well when they impart advice. Unsolicited advice however is not welcome and not warranted in several situations. I once saw a movie of of a mother who was extremely concerned over her sons' sexuality. She worried constantly for his soul and was always praying that he will 'see the light' She lectured him constantly on how it was unnatural and immoral for him to be having feelings for other males. After constant pressuring, religious intervention, threats of psycho therapy and counselling, the son went on to marry a woman and have children with her. The mother thought she had 'cured' her son of his 'disease'. The young man's wife was later found dead and post mortem revealed that she was a victim of continual spousal domestic abuse. The couple's children often witnessed their mother being beaten. He would curse at their mother and ask her why didn't she have a penis. Why did she have to be a woman. He would drink heavily and beat their mother up. They grew up with emotional trauma and stress. After the death of the wife, the young man killed himself right in front of his children, before warning is son to not become a faggot. 


At the end of the movie, the mother was seen telling her friends about her son's death. She claims to be proud of having saved his soul from damnation as he did not die as a homosexual. It was a pretty sick movie and I can't remember the title of it now. This movie is one extreme example of how fanatically moralistic people can pervert reality to the point of inhumanity. 


Not the most pleasant thing to be discussing over cappucinos and eggs. So we diverted to other topics, such as dating someone who already has children, your personal age ceiling and proper ettiquette in the bedroom. 


Some things that we discovered:


Most of us are in favor of going out with someone who already has a child provided the child does not stay with the partner and is already old enough to go to the bathroom on their own. We were willing to accept children because that meant that the person is responsible enough to raise kids. 


Personal age ceiling differed greatly. Some were adamant against younger men, others claimed that anyone above the age of 40 is off limits. I say, it depends on the person. Of course age is a huge factor in many ways, but if you are able to connect on many other levels, why let a number be the determining factor? I can go either way, younger or older. :)


Proper etiquette in the bedroom was again very varied. Some were reluctant to reveal their number, did not want to dish on who they were secretly crushing on at work etc. I have to say that it was not exactly the type of things I would dish out on a Saturday morning. Not over coffee anyway. :)

Peaking too soon

I live in eternal fear of peaking too soon. Mariah Carey is one such example of a person who peaked early in her career and just could not cut it after Music Box. She redeemed herself somewhat with The Emancipation of Mimi, but since then have failed to wow me again.

That is the danger of being a shooting star. It cannot be recurrent. No matter how hard you try, you have to face facts that once its gone, its gone. Of course there are many things out there with amazing staying power. Brands, celebrities, books and movies, television series, some seem immortal. But that is not the case for all.

To stay relevant, there is a need to reinvent yourself and keep up with the times. That is the standard theory, but for some, I think the opposite is true. I believe that singers like Mariah and Whitney should stick with their signature sound and not try to meddle with something so perfect. It's like the saying; If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

My life though, far from any resemblance to these celebrities are also in danger of hitting the peak too soon. I worry that the best things that can happen to me in life, may already have happened and I have nothing else to look forward to. Of course its silly, because there are plenty more milestones to be achieved in this young womans' life. Still, there is a niggling doubt in the back of my head. An annoying one that pops up every now and then and renders me completely depressed and pensive for the rest of the day and might linger for a little longer. Sometimes, when my own immortality raises a raging red flag in my head, it takes a while for me to collect myself and gather some perspective. Here's hoping that I get out of this funk pretty soon. 

How to deny reality

How to deny reality

There are plenty of ways to deny reality. People tell us to grow up, get a job, put food on the table, pay bills and own your mortgage. That is a reality. But does it have to be your reality? They say it takes all kinds of people to make this big world go round. Different strokes. Humans have had to adapt to the life of hardships and struggles alongside wealth and happiness. Sometimes the scales tip favourably or unfavourably but that alone is not an indication of personal triumphs or failures.
So how does one deny reality? Perhaps you can get lost in daydreams. People might think you are mad and irresponsible. Some might say it is the Peter Pan syndrome. But you know that you are going to a place everyone once was in their childhoods or even in their sweetest dreams. Smug in that knowledge that only the brave abandons modern ideas. The escapist thinks of nothing but a better place, Michael Jackson was a well known escapist. He was constantly escaping into another world, one that didn’t make sense to the rest of the world. Sadly we have no capacity to live beyond the norms that have been dictated to us.
To deny reality, one needs to know how to strike a delicate balance. One needs to have the courage to follow their heart and not their head. One needs to use common sense and not get completely lost in the clouds because then you are dealing with a very cold reality of an insane asylum.



Denying reality can simply be ignoring the petty mundane routines of life like getting up and having breakfast and off to work. Why not try getting up and going to dinner for once, yes at 11am and then go off horse riding or mountain climbing. Try walking or biking to work for once, regardless of how impractical or unfeasible it is. When you turn up late for work/school, say that it is the price you are willing to pay for lesser carbon dioxide in the environment. Denying reality does not have to be self indulgent. It takes a bit of courage, a lot of imagination and the will to see it through. Maybe then, I will not be the only dreamer on earth.
“..You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”
John Lennon

Ready for the time of my life

It seems like everyone around me is falling ill. Family members, colleagues, friends.. even random gym members, regulars of mine who attend my classes faithfully have been out for weeks. And when they return, they cite all sorts of illness and health issues as the reason for missing in action.

All this really got me thinking. In todays modern lifestyle, are we lost in pursuit of affluence to the point of endangering our health? Where does one strike the balance? It always seems like we aren't doing enough and if we stop for one moment, someone else will grab the opportunity and we are left to pick up the pieces.

I wonder when will the time come when you know that you have made it. Success is not measured by wealth and finance alone, but by being in complete and utter peace with oneself. When you could get up every morning with no worries hanging over your head and tackle the day with vigor. Face all the challenges that come your way and then go home content and fulfilled. Problems should have a 2 hour lifespan. If it can't be solved within the time, it ought to time out on its own accord and you shouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Wouldn't that just be great?

Great as my life is at the moment, there must be something missing for me to claim that I am ready for the time of my life. Because if I'm not living it now, then when will I? Youth is fleeting and I intend to live it to its fullest extent. I'm done living the dull, grey and hum drum routine. I'm ready for the time of my life.

Let go and let God?

My religion demands too much of me. It asks me to submit wholly and completely to God's will and sometimes I am unable or unwilling to do so. I have my own interpretations as to how one should observe faith and religion and it conflicts with the prescribed notion.

I've once described myself as a progressive Catholic. I believe religion ought to enhance your current life not stifle it, and certainly not morally dictate it. I take scriptures as 'suggestions' not the law. Apparently that is considered blasphemous.

I've always been a firm believer of being in control of my own destiny. The very idea that my future is fated or pre-destined does not sit well with me. I've always believed in free will and relish the idea of freedom of choice. Sometimes organised religion is far too rigid and stifling to accommodate the human spirit.

That doesn't mean that I don't pray every now and then for divine intervention, because God knows I need it. I take comfort in the knowledge that my faith sustains me and provides an avenue of hope when it feels like I'm teetering over the edge. That is when I will let go and let God.

A love/hate relationship with my comfort zone

Its gray in colour.
Its warm to the touch.
It offers reassurance.
It comes with a steaming mug of hot chocolate with cinnamon sprinkles.
Its my own booster squad
Its cosily familiar
It fuels my ego
It cocoons
It reminds me everything will be fine
Its gray in colour.
Its warmth is addictive, never allowing me to succumb to the bitter cold
It says its risky
It does not yield to challenges
It hates change
It never expands
It does not grow
It develops
Ever so slowly
Its an island
It takes forever to issue a passport
It limits
It stifles
It soothes and caresses
Its a rock
And its my own.

A perfect day for mental and physical fornication

If you’re like me and love to be stimulated both in mind and body, there is no better setting than the present weather to get intimate with that special someone.

Something about the grey stationery clouds, crisp cool air that cuts through your very being and the scent of freshly drenched earth rouses the body, the mind, the soul. Allow your senses to dance to the rhythm of the rain and lose yourself completely in the delicious decadent experience of love in the loveliest setting.

Share your thoughts, fears and dreams in the arms of your beloved while it’s cold outside. Wallow in the moment of solitary togetherness and the world disappears. Your fears vocalized and vaporized. The future may be as bleak as the weather outside, but right now, its time to live in the moment.


Candles and French music optional.

Standard issue with all new models

Teenagers today scare me. They are growing up at such warped speed that they are almost my peers. They have little regard for authority and seem to expect everything handed to them on a silver platter. Of course this is just a very skewed sample of teenagers, but it is enough to plant the idea in my head that youth today is pretty screwed up.

Of course I'm generalizing. For every 10 young hoodlums I encounter, I'm fortunate enough to meet one who is rational and level headed. Matured beyond their years. They become my allies and my source of strength to deal with the rest. Peers are so important and sadly, no matter how much you lower yourself to their level, you can never be 'one of them' That is why, the delicate balance of maintaining good relationships with the students are paramount to maintain my sanity and to make everyday a little smoother.

It seems like cheek and sarcasm, as well as the know-it-all attitude is standard issue now with todays' youth. Even the sweet ones, there are traces of it. Must be the generation and the times that they are growing up in. I see the consequences of too little and too much parenting reflected in the kids and it scares me because it is extremely difficult to strike that balance when it comes to raising kids. Dote on them too much and the become spoilt. Restrict them too much and they become a little mental, craving for any sort of freedom. Or, they it could be the other extreme where they are completely sheltered and unwilling to express or explore. Allow them too much freedom and they become 'bebas' Literally. Raising teens these days are a full time job and if you don't have the time and energy to do so, you better re-think having children. There's nothing worse than seeing a hapless parent bemoan their situation while their kid sits right next to them flicking rubber bands at their arm whilst the parent is conferencing with the teacher.