The saddest goodbye

I never thought there would come a day when I actually have to have a conversation with a friend about ending our friendship. Most friendships that do not work go on to die a natural death, slowly and obliquely. But this friendship, although it has been rocky for years now, have still managed to cling on to a sliver of hope that things could come back to the way it was. Sadly, that was not the case, and instead of hanging on and working so hard at what used to come naturally, it is time end that chapter of my life.


Ending this friendship is far more devastating than any other breakup I have gone through because this carries YEARS of milestones. We were part of each others' lives and shared in the inevitable highs and lows. We went through a lot of 'firsts' together and it has been a great journey. 


That is life, so they say. People come into your life and people go. I take comfort in knowing that she has a very special place in my life, one that is unlikely to be ever replaced by anyone. Not in this lifetime, because our friendship was one in a million. 

What it feels like to be free

I realise now what people have been telling me all along. The best thing about childhood and youth is the license to be carefree and bold. The courage to venture into the unknown; completely oblivious to reason and judgement. I used to think that being a teen was the pits. What sort of freedom can you expect when you're inundated with school, homework, tuition and the lot? I truly felt my high school education was a painful rite of passage. One that I had to grit my teeth and pull through in order to get to the other side - The start of the rest of my life. When I finished my final SPM paper, (I believe it was Economics); it was like gaining consciousness after a coma. A 17 year coma.

The exhilaration I felt when I contemplated all that lay before me is incomparable to any other feeling I've had since. It was effervescent like and let me in a state of giddy pleasure and thrill. My life truly began after high school.

The four months spent waiting for my results were nothing short of blissful. I had no cares or worries in the world. My days began at 10 am when I awoke and everything was open to me. I could have gone to the beach, or read a book, or go hiking or hit the mall or catch a movie or have breakfast and then crawl back to bed. My parents never got on my case to start researching college courses or get a job. They knew that it was important for me to relax and enjoy after months of exam stress and worry.They let me be. And that, is what it feels like to be free.

Growth

I have random anxiety attacks that seize me when I'm least expecting it. Sometimes the fear of growing old grips me and I'm petrified. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to get up tomorrow and discover that I am afflicted with life changing disease. I've had several nightmares now of my parents dying, most notably my mum. I've woken up in tears, convinced that she was really gone.


As a little girl, I used to think about my future and when I thought about being a 20 something year old, I felt that I would be settled and self assured. I would have my life sorted and basically functioning as an 'adult' It still takes a while for it to sink in that I'm no longer allowed to be carefree and irresponsible. I don't envy my students because I know how crap being a teen can be. But I do miss the breezy, devil-may-care attitude that comes naturally with bullet proof youth.


As a child, I've run away from home a couple of times - always to my best friends' home 4 doors down. Wasn't very imaginative but so there. Once, I had my bag packed and was walking to the bus stop when I had to turn back when I realised I didn't have enough money for the bus fare. Obviously my planning skills needed some work. As I grew older, I have come to realise that I was always planning an escape hatch. Always anticipating how I was going to leave whenever I came to a new place, or found myself in a new situation. Perhaps subconsciously, I've also had pre-conceived exit plans whenever I was in a relationship.
Some definitely felt like it was over even before it started.


 It is clear that if I lived in an earlier civilization, at the first sign of conflict, I would have taken flight and not fight. Running away just seemed so much easier, even if it didn't solve anything in the long run. This, of course is not doing me any favors and earned me the reputation of being 'flighty' With age and wisdom, I am focusing on sharpening my reflexes so that I can defend myself when life throws me a curve ball.

My most lasting memory

There are many to choose from because I do have fond memories of different occasions in my life. However, if I had to write about my absolute favorite memory, it would definitely have to be my Down South trip with four of my best girlfriends in Perth. 


It was winter and we had four weeks off. Instead of running back to KL as I normally do during the summer breaks, I thought I'd spend my holidays here in WA and see the countryside. On the spur of the moment, my friends decided that they needed to show me the vineyards of WA. We were to travel down to the tip (Augusta) and back up again. It would be a week of savoring the local food and wine. 


We piled into Lisa's car. Packed to the brim with bags, sleeping bags, pillows and snacks for the trip. Thankfully, I called shotgun before anyone else and had a pretty comfortable ride throughout the journey. First stop, Mandurah to visit Tara's family and stay the night. They had a really lovely modern home in the hicks. I was surprised to see such a trendy home right in the middle of the country. We had a barbecue that night and despite the temperature, (2 degrees C) we could not resist jumping into the pool. 


The next day we set off on our journey again. We had no real itinerary, just stopping anywhere that struck our fancy. I saw an adorable little cottage serving scones and tea and insisted we stop. To this day, I can still taste the thick Devonshire cream and the strawberry tea and the soft, crumbly texture of the scones. Without a doubt the best scones I've ever tasted. Even better than the ones I had in London. But to be fair, this was in the country. Had I ventured past London into the English countryside, I would probably have found some good ones too. 


We then proceeded to Yallingup. It was here that the picture above was taken. It was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've ever been in. The beach homes were truly magnificent, It was then that I vowed to one day own of those and spend summers there (or even live in it year round) It was there that we had lunch in this pub and the atmosphere was so laid back and casual. The pace of life slowed considerably and there was a general feeling of hang-looseness in the air. It was perfect.


On to Augusta, where Belle's grandad was staying. He had a house overlooking the coast and it was the southern most tip of WA. The next land area would be the South Pole! It was incredibly windy and cold, but we still managed to have a lot of fun. Belle's grandad had a selection of great board games, perfect for staying in. We played Trivial Pursuit ans Yahtzee. The next night however, we decided to hit the town for some fun (as it was Saturday night) of course there was none to be found except in a dodgy little tavern serving the older folks. Eek. 


It was time to head back, we stopped at another great coastal town Witchcliffe. It was known for the best fish and chips in the region. We bought a huge pack and drove to the beach where we had to fight off sea gulls while enjoying our lunch. It was well worth it though. Sitting on the sand, cold salty breeze, the best fish and chips -eaten Malaysian style - with fingers and bottles of ice cold beer. It doesn't get any better than this..

My own bucket list

I am going to keep adding things to this list as I think of more that I would like to accomplish in this lifetime. 




1. See the sunset and sunrise while sitting on a peak. (any peak so long as it takes me at least 4-8 hours to get up and down it.)


2. Drive a race car.


3. Complete a triathlon. 


4. Belt out a Whitney number in a packed house.


5. Go on a safari.


6. Be a published author.


7. Fall madly in love.


8. Skinny dip in a hotel pool.


9. Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef - despite my great fear for fishes.


10. Take swing dancing classes.


11. Host a three course dinner party with gourmet dishes cooked entirely by moi. 


12. Sail the Caribbean islands for a month. 


13. Own a store.


14. Fly on a Concorde.  


15. Complete someone.


16. Host a fundraiser for an animal shelter.


17. Ski on the Swiss Alps. 

Standard issue with all new models

Teenagers today scare me. They are growing up at such warped speed that they are almost my peers. They have little regard for authority and seem to expect everything handed to them on a silver platter. Of course this is just a very skewed sample of teenagers, but it is enough to plant the idea in my head that youth today is pretty screwed up.

Of course I'm generalizing. For every 10 young hoodlums I encounter, I'm fortunate enough to meet one who is rational and level headed. Matured beyond their years. They become my allies and my source of strength to deal with the rest. Peers are so important and sadly, no matter how much you lower yourself to their level, you can never be 'one of them' That is why, the delicate balance of maintaining good relationships with the students are paramount to maintain my sanity and to make everyday a little smoother.

It seems like cheek and sarcasm, as well as the know-it-all attitude is standard issue now with todays' youth. Even the sweet ones, there are traces of it. Must be the generation and the times that they are growing up in. I see the consequences of too little and too much parenting reflected in the kids and it scares me because it is extremely difficult to strike that balance when it comes to raising kids. Dote on them too much and the become spoilt. Restrict them too much and they become a little mental, craving for any sort of freedom. Or, they it could be the other extreme where they are completely sheltered and unwilling to express or explore. Allow them too much freedom and they become 'bebas' Literally. Raising teens these days are a full time job and if you don't have the time and energy to do so, you better re-think having children. There's nothing worse than seeing a hapless parent bemoan their situation while their kid sits right next to them flicking rubber bands at their arm whilst the parent is conferencing with the teacher.

Just Dance

I am hit by the sudden urge to shake my thang. I am actually in the mood to pick out a killer dress, knock-em-dead heels, and saunter into the hottest dance club in town and dance the night away. I have never felt this way for a very long time. And I mean a VERY long time. Who has the energy to go party after the stress of the days' workload?

It doesn't make sense because I had a really long day at work and just completely exhausted after my spin class. I've become old and boring. I've met people who feign surprise when I reveal my age. They thought I was older, not because of the way I looked, but from my mannerisms. At least I hope so.

It doesn't bother me that I am an old soul. I have always known that. I've just been far more mature about issues way sooner than I should have. It was a blessing and a curse because I've just been too practical sometimes that I miss out on the carefree experiences one is supposed to have in their youth.

Yet, I am a contradiction because my head is always in the clouds about other matters. I still love to hit the clubs sometimes, dressed to impress and have a good booze up with mates. It's good fun, but unfortunately, I have been told that I am getting too old for that. This is the first for me. I've always been ahead of the curve and now, I am lagging behind, just clinging on to one aspect of youth that I dearly cherish.

After a long day at work, sometimes it's just good to put on Madonna, Beyonce, JLO or Kylie and dance like no one's watching. :)