Growth

I have random anxiety attacks that seize me when I'm least expecting it. Sometimes the fear of growing old grips me and I'm petrified. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to get up tomorrow and discover that I am afflicted with life changing disease. I've had several nightmares now of my parents dying, most notably my mum. I've woken up in tears, convinced that she was really gone.


As a little girl, I used to think about my future and when I thought about being a 20 something year old, I felt that I would be settled and self assured. I would have my life sorted and basically functioning as an 'adult' It still takes a while for it to sink in that I'm no longer allowed to be carefree and irresponsible. I don't envy my students because I know how crap being a teen can be. But I do miss the breezy, devil-may-care attitude that comes naturally with bullet proof youth.


As a child, I've run away from home a couple of times - always to my best friends' home 4 doors down. Wasn't very imaginative but so there. Once, I had my bag packed and was walking to the bus stop when I had to turn back when I realised I didn't have enough money for the bus fare. Obviously my planning skills needed some work. As I grew older, I have come to realise that I was always planning an escape hatch. Always anticipating how I was going to leave whenever I came to a new place, or found myself in a new situation. Perhaps subconsciously, I've also had pre-conceived exit plans whenever I was in a relationship.
Some definitely felt like it was over even before it started.


 It is clear that if I lived in an earlier civilization, at the first sign of conflict, I would have taken flight and not fight. Running away just seemed so much easier, even if it didn't solve anything in the long run. This, of course is not doing me any favors and earned me the reputation of being 'flighty' With age and wisdom, I am focusing on sharpening my reflexes so that I can defend myself when life throws me a curve ball.