Words of wisdom from Simone de Beauvoir

"Since I was 21, I have never been lonely. The opportunities granted to me at the beginning helped me not only to lead a happy life but to be happy in the life I led. I have been aware of my shortcomings and my limits, but I have made the best of them. When I was tormented by what was happening in the world, it was the world I wanted to change, not my place in it."

This particular quote rings true with me when I was turning 20 and absolutely freaking out because I was no longer a teenager and thus leaving a safety zone. The future seemed vague and scary, a grey mist of which I fumbled in for a very long time. I sank into a state of mild depression that was not easily detected by my loved ones. For a whole year it seemed,  there was lots of soul searching and plenty of reflection. I was in an industry that was demanding and stressful. It robbed me of spirit, soul and youthfulness. At 20, I felt awfully young and inexperienced. It reflected in my appearance, my ideas and most embarrassingly of all, in my speech My vocabulary was painfully limited for a job that called for all kinds of twisting of words. When I decided to return to school and pursue a degree, things finally started falling into place. This occurred after my 21st birthday and it symbolically marked a new matured me. 

"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes, and this is one cause of the serious misunderstandings that divide them."

When I read this quote a couple of years ago, a light bulb suddenly ignited in my head. This was in essence the argument that I have been trying to explain to past boyfriends on the reason why "I love you" has different contexts for either of us. I don't mean to be difficult, but my idea of love does not and should not be completely identical to my partner. I think the variation creates layers of depth and possibilities to explore. When two people only have one thought or idea going on between them, I think it destroys any sense of intrigue and mystery. 

 "In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation."

This is often how I feel when someone spouts lyrical over the complexities of human relationships. Why are some people gay, bisexual etc. The fact of the matter is, sexual orientation is part of a person identity and yes, it shapes and dictates certain behaviors, thoughts and dress sense. The notion that a person is asexual, is often perceived to be an oddity. One who free floats above the norms of society. It perplexes me because I have been guilty of such judgement. Yet, there is wisdom in this theory. If human beings really are to be tolerant of one another, then they should strip away every (mis)conception of peoples' sexual orientation and view them as merely a fellow human being. I know, easier said than done.

My most lasting memory

There are many to choose from because I do have fond memories of different occasions in my life. However, if I had to write about my absolute favorite memory, it would definitely have to be my Down South trip with four of my best girlfriends in Perth. 


It was winter and we had four weeks off. Instead of running back to KL as I normally do during the summer breaks, I thought I'd spend my holidays here in WA and see the countryside. On the spur of the moment, my friends decided that they needed to show me the vineyards of WA. We were to travel down to the tip (Augusta) and back up again. It would be a week of savoring the local food and wine. 


We piled into Lisa's car. Packed to the brim with bags, sleeping bags, pillows and snacks for the trip. Thankfully, I called shotgun before anyone else and had a pretty comfortable ride throughout the journey. First stop, Mandurah to visit Tara's family and stay the night. They had a really lovely modern home in the hicks. I was surprised to see such a trendy home right in the middle of the country. We had a barbecue that night and despite the temperature, (2 degrees C) we could not resist jumping into the pool. 


The next day we set off on our journey again. We had no real itinerary, just stopping anywhere that struck our fancy. I saw an adorable little cottage serving scones and tea and insisted we stop. To this day, I can still taste the thick Devonshire cream and the strawberry tea and the soft, crumbly texture of the scones. Without a doubt the best scones I've ever tasted. Even better than the ones I had in London. But to be fair, this was in the country. Had I ventured past London into the English countryside, I would probably have found some good ones too. 


We then proceeded to Yallingup. It was here that the picture above was taken. It was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've ever been in. The beach homes were truly magnificent, It was then that I vowed to one day own of those and spend summers there (or even live in it year round) It was there that we had lunch in this pub and the atmosphere was so laid back and casual. The pace of life slowed considerably and there was a general feeling of hang-looseness in the air. It was perfect.


On to Augusta, where Belle's grandad was staying. He had a house overlooking the coast and it was the southern most tip of WA. The next land area would be the South Pole! It was incredibly windy and cold, but we still managed to have a lot of fun. Belle's grandad had a selection of great board games, perfect for staying in. We played Trivial Pursuit ans Yahtzee. The next night however, we decided to hit the town for some fun (as it was Saturday night) of course there was none to be found except in a dodgy little tavern serving the older folks. Eek. 


It was time to head back, we stopped at another great coastal town Witchcliffe. It was known for the best fish and chips in the region. We bought a huge pack and drove to the beach where we had to fight off sea gulls while enjoying our lunch. It was well worth it though. Sitting on the sand, cold salty breeze, the best fish and chips -eaten Malaysian style - with fingers and bottles of ice cold beer. It doesn't get any better than this..

To be with a man or a woman?

The wandering mind can sometimes come up with the most absurd scenarios that question my values and beliefs. It makes a mockery of my own conscience and exposes my lack of self conviction and reveals the depth of my philosophical views - which is embarrassingly shallow. 


So where has wandering mind ventured off to and what has it stumbled upon?


"If your partner wants to undergo a sex change operation and remain with you, how would you react and would you be agreeable to the idea?"


Even though I came up with the question, I found myself rather in a quandary about this. I'm not quite sure if I could be with a woman, even if she was a man previously. The illusion of gender is too strong. I have been socially conditioned to be with a man. I believe I am a product of my upbringing. I'm not disparaging biology or nature in any way, but what I am saying is that I'm a firm believer of nurture. The way we were brought up shapes our ideas and perceptions. It does not come internally from within. At least that is my point of view. 


Sometimes I think that I am capable of falling for a woman. It would have to be in another time and another place because I just do not have the energy to deal with the stigma that comes with being openly gay in this country. I always take the easy way out - luckily for me, I am not in the position where I had to question my own wants and needs in regards to romantic relationships. It's pretty straightforward at this point. I want sausage. ;)

My own bucket list

I am going to keep adding things to this list as I think of more that I would like to accomplish in this lifetime. 




1. See the sunset and sunrise while sitting on a peak. (any peak so long as it takes me at least 4-8 hours to get up and down it.)


2. Drive a race car.


3. Complete a triathlon. 


4. Belt out a Whitney number in a packed house.


5. Go on a safari.


6. Be a published author.


7. Fall madly in love.


8. Skinny dip in a hotel pool.


9. Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef - despite my great fear for fishes.


10. Take swing dancing classes.


11. Host a three course dinner party with gourmet dishes cooked entirely by moi. 


12. Sail the Caribbean islands for a month. 


13. Own a store.


14. Fly on a Concorde.  


15. Complete someone.


16. Host a fundraiser for an animal shelter.


17. Ski on the Swiss Alps. 

Living in the past

Something about listening to the Gold radio station that makes me wish I was born in a more happy carefree era. A time when the most advanced technological wonder was the black and white television. A time when women wore full skirts and large sunglasses. When soda bars were the popular hangouts and drive in movies were the bomb. I don't imagine Malaysia to be very exciting in the 50's. All this Pleasantville like images were gleaned from watching one too many American movies. 


My idea of an ideal life is not one set in the 50's. It is one set in the past, with a medley of influences from 20's style clothing and music to 50's style rock and roll to the optimism of the 60's and disco days of the 70's. As I was born in the 80's, I can say that I've lived a good part of my life in one of the very best decades. 


I suppose its the simplicity of life that appeals to me in those eras. With the advent of technology, I find that life is moving at such warped speed that nobody stops to appreciate life anymore. I wonder how it would be like to have lived in an era with no Internet and mobile phones. 


This is just my despondent response to a life that is flying past me and I am unable to make any head or tail of it. On the way home today, I saw an outdoor advertisement for an insurance company. "Live the extraordinary life." Yes, once upon a time, I too bought the idea that I could live an extraordinary life. But maybe that extraordinary life is not in the horizon for me. Maybe it belongs in the eras long gone. I sure would like to ride in Doc Brown's DeLorean DMC right now and transport me to a bygone era that I hope to feel truly at home in.

Morality and other topics on a Saturday morning

Over brunch on Saturday  morning, we were talking about a bunch of things, and one of them was about morality. Passing judgement on others seem to be everyones' favorite pastime. It seems that we are not happy unless we can assert a holier-than-thou attitude over someone else's appearance, choice of mate, opinions, possessions, the list goes on. When did it become ok to be judgmental over someones' else's life choices. If it doesn't impact you in any way, why should one bother to enforce one's own personal view over another? 


People say the mean well when they impart advice. Unsolicited advice however is not welcome and not warranted in several situations. I once saw a movie of of a mother who was extremely concerned over her sons' sexuality. She worried constantly for his soul and was always praying that he will 'see the light' She lectured him constantly on how it was unnatural and immoral for him to be having feelings for other males. After constant pressuring, religious intervention, threats of psycho therapy and counselling, the son went on to marry a woman and have children with her. The mother thought she had 'cured' her son of his 'disease'. The young man's wife was later found dead and post mortem revealed that she was a victim of continual spousal domestic abuse. The couple's children often witnessed their mother being beaten. He would curse at their mother and ask her why didn't she have a penis. Why did she have to be a woman. He would drink heavily and beat their mother up. They grew up with emotional trauma and stress. After the death of the wife, the young man killed himself right in front of his children, before warning is son to not become a faggot. 


At the end of the movie, the mother was seen telling her friends about her son's death. She claims to be proud of having saved his soul from damnation as he did not die as a homosexual. It was a pretty sick movie and I can't remember the title of it now. This movie is one extreme example of how fanatically moralistic people can pervert reality to the point of inhumanity. 


Not the most pleasant thing to be discussing over cappucinos and eggs. So we diverted to other topics, such as dating someone who already has children, your personal age ceiling and proper ettiquette in the bedroom. 


Some things that we discovered:


Most of us are in favor of going out with someone who already has a child provided the child does not stay with the partner and is already old enough to go to the bathroom on their own. We were willing to accept children because that meant that the person is responsible enough to raise kids. 


Personal age ceiling differed greatly. Some were adamant against younger men, others claimed that anyone above the age of 40 is off limits. I say, it depends on the person. Of course age is a huge factor in many ways, but if you are able to connect on many other levels, why let a number be the determining factor? I can go either way, younger or older. :)


Proper etiquette in the bedroom was again very varied. Some were reluctant to reveal their number, did not want to dish on who they were secretly crushing on at work etc. I have to say that it was not exactly the type of things I would dish out on a Saturday morning. Not over coffee anyway. :)

Peaking too soon

I live in eternal fear of peaking too soon. Mariah Carey is one such example of a person who peaked early in her career and just could not cut it after Music Box. She redeemed herself somewhat with The Emancipation of Mimi, but since then have failed to wow me again.

That is the danger of being a shooting star. It cannot be recurrent. No matter how hard you try, you have to face facts that once its gone, its gone. Of course there are many things out there with amazing staying power. Brands, celebrities, books and movies, television series, some seem immortal. But that is not the case for all.

To stay relevant, there is a need to reinvent yourself and keep up with the times. That is the standard theory, but for some, I think the opposite is true. I believe that singers like Mariah and Whitney should stick with their signature sound and not try to meddle with something so perfect. It's like the saying; If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

My life though, far from any resemblance to these celebrities are also in danger of hitting the peak too soon. I worry that the best things that can happen to me in life, may already have happened and I have nothing else to look forward to. Of course its silly, because there are plenty more milestones to be achieved in this young womans' life. Still, there is a niggling doubt in the back of my head. An annoying one that pops up every now and then and renders me completely depressed and pensive for the rest of the day and might linger for a little longer. Sometimes, when my own immortality raises a raging red flag in my head, it takes a while for me to collect myself and gather some perspective. Here's hoping that I get out of this funk pretty soon.