When life starts to feel like an obligation.

I'm starting to feel like living my life is a chore, one that has to be endured and not enjoyed. That can't be good. It takes a step back to reflect on the bigger picture to realise that there is soemthing more to this life than just living out the responsibilities and should do's that life dictates to us and expects of us.

I always seem to come back to this theme. It got me thinking that this recurring thought must be triggered from my unconscious side to break free of the life obligations that may or may not have been thrust upon me. I don't believe I have overbearing parents who have unrealistic expectations of me. The pressures that I feel are self inflicted and stems from environment, peer pressure and my own silly neurosis.

Perhaps Sylvia Plath is to blame for my current self gloom. I have never looked at life in the negative perspective before and now, I'm trying it on for the first time. Strangely enough (and it scares me too) I'm enjoying this self loathe and misery. It's like revisiting the angst y person I left behind years ago. However, this is a darker, more broody side. One that, if not controlled, could consume me.

I'm not a superwoman

Everybody gets their tough breaks at work and teachers are no exception. I've heard many teachers lament this on more than one occasion. I just want to TEACH! Don't saddle me with reports, projects, marketing material, notice boards, display items and whatnot. This has NOTHING to do with teaching. Don't get mad when it's not up to a particular standard.

I would gladly take on more classes, more contact hours, if it meant the end of co-curricular activities, panel meetings, homework checklists, invigilation duties, taking attendance, tallying results, working on notice board displays, disciplining kids. The list goes on.

It's tough being a teacher these days and no matter how satisfying the job can be at the end of the day, when you are at the whims and fancies of someone who has other ideas on how teaching ought to be done, you will never be really working for yourself.

The life carousel

Sometimes, I think life is one big carousel. We go in circles and never really get anywhere. What is the point in anything anyway? I've never been a subscriber of pessimist views, but I've been reading the views of Nietzche and sadly he has a point (or rather lack of) He claims that life is meaningless and that God is dead. We are doomed to repeat a cycle over and over again and that humans cannot really progress from their current state. The way things are, are just the way it is supposed to be. A status quo.


There could be nothing worse than living in status quo to me. The very idea that any current misery that may be plaguing me will never end; it's nothing short of hell.


I've always believed that I may not be in control of the situation I am in, but I can control how I feel about it. That casts everything into a different light. So as I ride this endless merry-go-round that spins and turns with highs and lows, I'm determined to enjoy the ride.

Morality and other topics on a Saturday morning

Over brunch on Saturday  morning, we were talking about a bunch of things, and one of them was about morality. Passing judgement on others seem to be everyones' favorite pastime. It seems that we are not happy unless we can assert a holier-than-thou attitude over someone else's appearance, choice of mate, opinions, possessions, the list goes on. When did it become ok to be judgmental over someones' else's life choices. If it doesn't impact you in any way, why should one bother to enforce one's own personal view over another? 


People say the mean well when they impart advice. Unsolicited advice however is not welcome and not warranted in several situations. I once saw a movie of of a mother who was extremely concerned over her sons' sexuality. She worried constantly for his soul and was always praying that he will 'see the light' She lectured him constantly on how it was unnatural and immoral for him to be having feelings for other males. After constant pressuring, religious intervention, threats of psycho therapy and counselling, the son went on to marry a woman and have children with her. The mother thought she had 'cured' her son of his 'disease'. The young man's wife was later found dead and post mortem revealed that she was a victim of continual spousal domestic abuse. The couple's children often witnessed their mother being beaten. He would curse at their mother and ask her why didn't she have a penis. Why did she have to be a woman. He would drink heavily and beat their mother up. They grew up with emotional trauma and stress. After the death of the wife, the young man killed himself right in front of his children, before warning is son to not become a faggot. 


At the end of the movie, the mother was seen telling her friends about her son's death. She claims to be proud of having saved his soul from damnation as he did not die as a homosexual. It was a pretty sick movie and I can't remember the title of it now. This movie is one extreme example of how fanatically moralistic people can pervert reality to the point of inhumanity. 


Not the most pleasant thing to be discussing over cappucinos and eggs. So we diverted to other topics, such as dating someone who already has children, your personal age ceiling and proper ettiquette in the bedroom. 


Some things that we discovered:


Most of us are in favor of going out with someone who already has a child provided the child does not stay with the partner and is already old enough to go to the bathroom on their own. We were willing to accept children because that meant that the person is responsible enough to raise kids. 


Personal age ceiling differed greatly. Some were adamant against younger men, others claimed that anyone above the age of 40 is off limits. I say, it depends on the person. Of course age is a huge factor in many ways, but if you are able to connect on many other levels, why let a number be the determining factor? I can go either way, younger or older. :)


Proper etiquette in the bedroom was again very varied. Some were reluctant to reveal their number, did not want to dish on who they were secretly crushing on at work etc. I have to say that it was not exactly the type of things I would dish out on a Saturday morning. Not over coffee anyway. :)

When doing it in the name of charity seems like a thankles task.

I am not a naturally philantrophic person. I have no inclination to perform weekly charity labor. This is a very bad thing to admit because I am a CAS coordinator and I am supposed to be inspiring my students to be more active in community service. Yet, I am an apathetic when it comes to charity of any kind.

I have to say that I am quite suspicious over people's solicitation for donations and acts of charity. This is what living in Kuala Lumpur will do to you. And because I have this mindset, it is highly ironic then that I am currently engaged in a charity project to raise funds for an orphanage. My inner reluctance towards anything remotely philantrophic has reared its ugly head subconciously. It just feels like a massively huge task. A monster that can't be tamed and it keeps growing bigger and bigger everyday.

You start to wonder if the money raised is worth all the effort that is going in? In my heart of hearts, I think not. The very cynical part of me knows that this project is doomed for failure and there is no way of pushing it towards something that will work. God help me, I am performing a thankless task!