The saddest goodbye

I never thought there would come a day when I actually have to have a conversation with a friend about ending our friendship. Most friendships that do not work go on to die a natural death, slowly and obliquely. But this friendship, although it has been rocky for years now, have still managed to cling on to a sliver of hope that things could come back to the way it was. Sadly, that was not the case, and instead of hanging on and working so hard at what used to come naturally, it is time end that chapter of my life.


Ending this friendship is far more devastating than any other breakup I have gone through because this carries YEARS of milestones. We were part of each others' lives and shared in the inevitable highs and lows. We went through a lot of 'firsts' together and it has been a great journey. 


That is life, so they say. People come into your life and people go. I take comfort in knowing that she has a very special place in my life, one that is unlikely to be ever replaced by anyone. Not in this lifetime, because our friendship was one in a million. 

Simple joys

Some of my favorites:

1. Getting up when my body tells me it's time to wake up and not being 'told' to wake up by the alarm. 
2. Having my face or hand licked by my dog.
3. Sitting home on a Friday night with a good movie and some snacks.
4. Finishing an enthralling book.
5. Marking a brilliant essay.
6. Coffee with some of my best mates.
7. Listening to jazz whilst it is raining or when the weather is cool and grey.
8. The smell of my favorite food cooking.
9. A really good cardio workout.
10. A cuddle from someone I care about. 

A dogmatic approach to education

I have a real problem with people who value decorum and appropriateness over true bonds and interaction. This comes from the old school thinking that education goes hand in hand with building character and instilling moral values. It also comes from power and control. A repressive environment is never conducive to education, especially not in modern times. Especially when we are preaching inclusiveness, inquiry and independent learning. By dictating rules and regulations to students, we are setting them down one single path, one that is riddled with structure and prohibitions. 


I understand that students need boundaries, but I draw the line at making them obey seemingly petty rules and procedures. It shows that we are inflexible and unaccommodating, two traits I absolutely detest in others and a sure deal breaker if I were to meet anyone; male or female. If you are an uptight, controlling, anal retentive piece of shit, don't bother talking to me. 


If you think that education is best delivered with a heavy hand, one that demands, not earns students respect, impose ridiculous boundaries and believes that true education should not be considered 'fun' from a students' point of view; you have no business being part of a child's educational experience. Piss off to the nearest prison and apply to be the warden or something. 

When life starts to feel like an obligation.

I'm starting to feel like living my life is a chore, one that has to be endured and not enjoyed. That can't be good. It takes a step back to reflect on the bigger picture to realise that there is soemthing more to this life than just living out the responsibilities and should do's that life dictates to us and expects of us.

I always seem to come back to this theme. It got me thinking that this recurring thought must be triggered from my unconscious side to break free of the life obligations that may or may not have been thrust upon me. I don't believe I have overbearing parents who have unrealistic expectations of me. The pressures that I feel are self inflicted and stems from environment, peer pressure and my own silly neurosis.

Perhaps Sylvia Plath is to blame for my current self gloom. I have never looked at life in the negative perspective before and now, I'm trying it on for the first time. Strangely enough (and it scares me too) I'm enjoying this self loathe and misery. It's like revisiting the angst y person I left behind years ago. However, this is a darker, more broody side. One that, if not controlled, could consume me.

Choices

The best thing about living in the 21st century would be the fact that we have so many choices in our daily life. Options allow for alternatives and variety which is always a good thing I reckon. However, the downside of having a choice is actually making a decision. No matter how you good I feel about a decision, there is always a niggling doubt at the back of mind questioning what might have been. 


They say life is about choices and those choices range from deciding what to have for dinner or which home to buy. Every decision impacts your life in some way and we are always conscious of trying to make the right decision. What really bugs me though is that how do we know that the decision we have chosen is the 'right' one. Of course there are many instances where one could, with the benefit of hindsight realise that a certain decision might not have been the way to go. Most of the time though, we go through life choosing certain items, places, people and sometimes you wonder, if things might have been different with the other option. 


Well, I suppose it says a lot about a decision or choice if you are questioning it. Problem is, some decisions only turn out to be wrong after it has been chosen. It may have won the practicality debate, but fell short when it came to 'feeling' right. 

What it feels like to be free

I realise now what people have been telling me all along. The best thing about childhood and youth is the license to be carefree and bold. The courage to venture into the unknown; completely oblivious to reason and judgement. I used to think that being a teen was the pits. What sort of freedom can you expect when you're inundated with school, homework, tuition and the lot? I truly felt my high school education was a painful rite of passage. One that I had to grit my teeth and pull through in order to get to the other side - The start of the rest of my life. When I finished my final SPM paper, (I believe it was Economics); it was like gaining consciousness after a coma. A 17 year coma.

The exhilaration I felt when I contemplated all that lay before me is incomparable to any other feeling I've had since. It was effervescent like and let me in a state of giddy pleasure and thrill. My life truly began after high school.

The four months spent waiting for my results were nothing short of blissful. I had no cares or worries in the world. My days began at 10 am when I awoke and everything was open to me. I could have gone to the beach, or read a book, or go hiking or hit the mall or catch a movie or have breakfast and then crawl back to bed. My parents never got on my case to start researching college courses or get a job. They knew that it was important for me to relax and enjoy after months of exam stress and worry.They let me be. And that, is what it feels like to be free.

Is marriage a dying institution?

On the way to work one morning I was listening to the radio. For some reason or other, I was listening to Lite FM. The station of choice for the mature generation. Perhaps I was in the mood for some matured entertainment or perhaps I was feeling my age that morning. For your information, the stations have adjusted the demographics of their target audience. Hitz fm is now targeted at the 10-18 age group, Mix fm to the 19-25 age group and Lite fm for the 26+ age group. I fall in the latter category and therefore have voluntarily admitted myself as a ‘matured’ person. Anyway, the announcers were asking their question of the day and it was

“Is marriage a dying institution?”

My answer to that question is no. It is not a dying institution but it has definitely changed and evolved. The idea of marriage 50 years ago and today is very different. In todays modern world, people enter marriage because they have found a person with whom they can stomach the rest of their lives with. Decades ago, people, especially women entered into marriage for security and stability reasons. As a result, they put up with a lot more than most modern women would. Infidelity, ignorance, abuse – be it physical, verbal or emotional, abandonment, the list goes on. The modern woman, one who’s financially capable to support herself do not need to be tied down to a marriage to a man if these issues were to occur. She has the emancipation women 50 years ago could only dream of having.

Having said that, people ARE rushing into marriage BECAUSE it is so easy to get out of it. Divorce no longer carries the same stigma in our society as it used to. More and more young people are signing divorce papers before they hit 30 years of age. It is due in part, the pressure of society for young people to settle down and the romance most women place in the idea of weddings. Young women tend to get carried away with the minute details of an elaborate wedding and once it is over, the reality of marriage sinks in. Because divorce is so easy to obtain these days, young people don’t give a single lingering thought of leaping into a binding marriage contract and two seconds later renouncing that very same binding contract.